So it begins

Today I had a awesome...like really and truly fantastic massage.  I had knots in places I didn't know could be tight - under my shoulder blades, in my lower legs...so strange.  There I was,  face down on this table wondering how many massages I'll have before my surgery.  How many more therapists will touch my body in it's current state?  I don't care tremendously, but it's something you think about when you weigh as much as I do.

Jeff and I attended the 2 hour long informational meeting at the Bariatric Clinc this afternoon.  We walked in almost late, certainly the last people to arrive.  I try not to size up the rest of the room because really, who cares.  But sizing up a room is not a habit you lose when you walk through the front doors of the clinic. 

My husband sat and listened to all the scary shit they threw at us.  Concentrated on the risk factors and didn't bat an eyelash when the insurance expert spoke.  As soon as we were there he started functioning in the "she's doing this" mode.  A mode he hasn't ever fully embraced.  He whispered "we can set money aside in our HSA for next year just like we did for Riley's braces"......absolutely music to my ears!  I have his support, we agree on the type of surgery is best (Sleeve Gastrectomy) and I can start the process NOW.

I'm making an appointment with their Psychiatrist and then I can schedule an appointment with the surgeon to meet and get this ball rolling.

I'm a bit of an oversharer...so keeping this sort of quiet on Social Media will be difficult.  I am not hiding it however.  That's why I'm blogging this shit.  Am I scared?  Yes.  Am I excited?  Yes. 

I want to live MY life by my rules.  I love this package even if it does hold me back.  This is not an "I hate myself, I'm so fat" thing.  I'm a sexy bitch and I want to hike mountains!

Um...this Blog is *STILL* here?

More than three years after it's inception? 

Crazy.

Crazier is all the shit that's happened in those 3 years.  I'll catch you up.  I quit my job, did NOT go back to school (b/c I didn't really want to), worked my business for a while, worked really hard at not fucking up my marriage, lost some weight, PARENTING, kicked ass, gained back the weight, worked full time - a job which I also quit, put my head back in my biz and started a cool new remote job, people I love moved away, Linda died.

I still see my therapist regularly, because I *need* to have an accountability buddy.

I'm also still fat.  The body acceptance movement is here to stay.  I dig.  I'm there. But I'm also ready to change because I don't want to die.

Tomorrow I attend a long meeting about Weight Loss Surgery (WLS).  My husband is coming with me.  His willingness to come along speaks volumes about how far we have come as partners.

Today we met with the attorney to finish up our 9 year old, unsigned will.  Ducks...rows...it's happening.

I read what I wrote in 2011.  It doesn't even sound like me, yet it somehow does because it resonates.

So 2014...let's see what you've got.

thoughts on therapy

THREE YEARS I have felt like a broken version of myself.  Three years, I have been medicated for depression.  I'm grateful that I was finally able to get help. 

Since April of 2008 I have seen two therapists for personal stuff and a marriage counselor.  Previous to April of 2008 I had met and tried to form relationships with several others. 

It's often said by those who have found their "therapist match"...."you have to try on a bunch before you find a fit".  I knew it must be true, why would 'everyone' say that if it weren't.  Yet 'Trying on Therapists' was a hobby I found daunting and utterly exhausting.  It sucked.  I hated having to do the 'this is me' thing over and over.  I became so I didn't even try to explain it all.  There was just too much shit.  Pushing down emotions and feelings I had gotten real good at....until that is I ran out of room.  And I was always running out of room.  Anger and depression ruled my life.  I felt selfish and uncaring to the people I was supposed to love unconditionally.  Side note....therapy doesn't work if you're not being honest with your therapist.  Oh and also when you feel like you just might be smarter than the person trying to help you, that's a problem.

At any rate, back in April I decided to go back to my little game of Trying on Therapists.  This time was not unlike other efforts.  I always ask around...get some names and then see if they're in my network.  Oh yeah...the network BS of mental health...try finding your Therapist Match and discovering they're out of network.  Talk about devestating.

So now here I am with a new Therapist.  I've been seeing her since April.  That's a Therapist LTR for me!  Here it is.  She's my match.  No bullshit.  No lies.  No hiding the ugly stuff.  I've laid it all out there, all the stuff that makes me not proud, the stuff that makes me wish sometimes I was someone else.  She doesn't shame me and she doesn't coddle me.  For once in a long ass time I feel like I'm making headway.  Like I have the chance to be mostly happy, instead of mostly sad.

So the next time someone says you "just haven't found your match yet"....believe them.  They're right.

Is it normal?

To feel always at odds with oneself?  I feel like I am constantly struggling to feel close to content.  And I just want that feeling so bad I feel like I would do anything to have it.

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to keep reaching, striving for better and more.  It seems it's just an exercise in futility.  I want that "Life is good" status on Facebook.  I want to be able to feel that emotion so greatly that I have to post it for everyone to see.

I guess I just keep trying.  I just want to fix it.  I'm a fixer.  I make things ok. 

So why can't I just do that already for myself?  Maybe I'm just not supposed to?

My Theraputic Approach to Weight Control

I flew to Las Vegas in March of this year for my first Passion Parties Convention.

Each plane I flew on I required a lap belt extension to reach the clasp.  Embarrassing, yes - but because I am cool, I played it off like I didn't care.  It was just a fact.  I am too fat to be able to affix the standard belt.  But it cut me deep, I do NOT want to be like this.  I want to look like the person I feel like.  I feel hot, sexy and confident. 

But more than that I don't want to DIE.  I want to live a complete and active life.  I have enjoyed being active even as an obese person (yep, I said it obese) - I have incredible stamina and love pushing myself to do things with my body that some of my skinny counterparts find difficult.

But with the last re-gain, re-fat or whatever you call it I have lost an immense amount of strength and stamina.  I suck at doing stuff now.  I did a 90 minute Bikram Yoga class in early December!  However within 24 hours I injured (stepped off a stair wrong) my left ankle so badly I was in a walking cast and limping for weeks.

So there I was in Las Vegas and feeling like a gigantic monster of fat.  The women in this business are for the most part quite lovely.  Many are drop dead gorgeous and thin.  It is not a prerequisite obviously, but a stunning observation I had while at Convention.

When I came back from Convention I had carpel tunnel surgery and spent time thinking about why I want to lose weight.  Why is it so hard to keep on a plan, or to even get started for that matter.

I reached out to a dear friend in the psychology community to help me find someone who deals with patients with eating disorders.  She quickly found me a name.  I have been having personal sessions with her for a couple of months.  She focuses on Congnitive Behavioral Therapy.  She and a dietician run a Weight Control Therapy Group that meets weekly for 18 weeks.  I signed up with my wallet ready to dole out the $830.

Stay tuned, even this old Weight Watcher is learning a few new things ..... ♥

What I hate about decisions...

is that while they can seem soooo final, you breathe wrong on one and the idea that seemed so solid evaporates into thin air.

Last night I did a Passion Party for a group of mostly nurses. They were incredible, as most nurses I meet are. I have a strong pull towards nursing and a strength for taking care of people.

We talked at length about my choice to go into Cosmetology and they were really honest with me about why they think I should reconsider that choice.

So, I guess I owe it to myself to find out more about what exactly it is I would need to do to get my RN.

I have quite a bit of schooling already completed. But the details freak me out. The whole "getting started" process makes me fill up with such anxiety.

Tomorrow I will call UVM and make an appointment to meet with a Continuing Ed Advisor. I need to know the details that scare me. Then it won't be (hopefully) so horrible to think about.

Plans for 2011

The skeleton seems to be forming and I'm filling in the blanks. Meaning...I know what the main objectives are, now I need to work on finalizing details and developing action items.

The "Skeleton" is basically the concept of me quitting my current pt/time - 3/4 time job as a Personal Assistant and going back to school for Cosmetology. It feels a little scary and a lot exciting!

But when you have two school aged children there are no "just jump into it"s you have to plan things out - after school care, summer care, dinner, which adult will be home which night...blah, blah, blah into infinity.

I'm getting there...have lots to do still though. The BIG one is telling my boss. I am utterly terrified. In a lot of ways I really do not want to leave. But I KNOW I must in order to keep growing. I feel strongly that I need to become a more major income earner in our family. And that just can't happen doing what I'm doing now. I also need to feed my creative self and allow my self to be absorbed by something that makes me happy. What doesn't make me happy is serving someone elses needs constantly.

I have other goals too. My weight is higher than ever, and I'm extremely frustrated by it. I am constantly exhausted, like to the point of hardly being able to get out of bed. I am sore and annoyed with myself. I used to be so active even though I've always been heavy. I haven't had the time or will to do things to make my body happier in a while. So I'm giving things a lot of thought and trying to be more mindful. I really don't have a plan for this so for now I'm just trying to think it out.

So all in all I'm optimistic and hopeful just busy making plans...at least I do THAT well :)