What I hate about decisions...

is that while they can seem soooo final, you breathe wrong on one and the idea that seemed so solid evaporates into thin air.

Last night I did a Passion Party for a group of mostly nurses. They were incredible, as most nurses I meet are. I have a strong pull towards nursing and a strength for taking care of people.

We talked at length about my choice to go into Cosmetology and they were really honest with me about why they think I should reconsider that choice.

So, I guess I owe it to myself to find out more about what exactly it is I would need to do to get my RN.

I have quite a bit of schooling already completed. But the details freak me out. The whole "getting started" process makes me fill up with such anxiety.

Tomorrow I will call UVM and make an appointment to meet with a Continuing Ed Advisor. I need to know the details that scare me. Then it won't be (hopefully) so horrible to think about.

Plans for 2011

The skeleton seems to be forming and I'm filling in the blanks. Meaning...I know what the main objectives are, now I need to work on finalizing details and developing action items.

The "Skeleton" is basically the concept of me quitting my current pt/time - 3/4 time job as a Personal Assistant and going back to school for Cosmetology. It feels a little scary and a lot exciting!

But when you have two school aged children there are no "just jump into it"s you have to plan things out - after school care, summer care, dinner, which adult will be home which night...blah, blah, blah into infinity.

I'm getting there...have lots to do still though. The BIG one is telling my boss. I am utterly terrified. In a lot of ways I really do not want to leave. But I KNOW I must in order to keep growing. I feel strongly that I need to become a more major income earner in our family. And that just can't happen doing what I'm doing now. I also need to feed my creative self and allow my self to be absorbed by something that makes me happy. What doesn't make me happy is serving someone elses needs constantly.

I have other goals too. My weight is higher than ever, and I'm extremely frustrated by it. I am constantly exhausted, like to the point of hardly being able to get out of bed. I am sore and annoyed with myself. I used to be so active even though I've always been heavy. I haven't had the time or will to do things to make my body happier in a while. So I'm giving things a lot of thought and trying to be more mindful. I really don't have a plan for this so for now I'm just trying to think it out.

So all in all I'm optimistic and hopeful just busy making plans...at least I do THAT well :)

Names....

I'm fascinated by them.

I take images of the very first person I knew as that name with me everywhere. I make decisions (private ones) as to weather a certain name matches what I have stored in my brain.

And if I forget someones name it is more often than not more about me feeling like their name just doesn't go, rather than truly forgetting it.

Naming my kids was a trip. I was worried what certain names would convey to the world. Was it too cutesy to call a grown up McKenna or too bizarre to call a baby Charles? We ended up with names that I hoped wouldn't catch on and be too popular. I of course was the only April in my whole school (that I can remember) and though it took me YEARS to love my name like I do now I always appreciated being the only one.

UGHHH.....

Know what's really annoying....Traffic Court.

The end.

I'll post what the stupid verdict is on my $99 expired inspection sticker, Warning
that miraculously turned into a Ticket.

Stupid stupid red tape.

Mending

A needle and thread is what I think of when I think of the word - mending.

But the word mend according to Dictonary.com means...

mend

/mɛnd/ Show Spelled
–verb (used with object)

1. to make (something broken, worn, torn, or otherwise damaged) whole, sound, or usable by repairing: to mend old clothes; to mend a broken toy.

2. to remove or correct defects or errors in.

3. to set right; make better; improve: to mend matters.

It's kind of amazing that when two people desire to "mend" a relationship that it can't simply happen by wanting it to. It takes hard work, and understanding, and meeting halfway or 90% of the way at times. It's rarely 50/50...but it should always be close to that in my humble opinion.

The WANT must be present however, because wishing for something to be better simply because it's what you SHOULD do is like treading water in pudding. Impossible.

The closer I get to really truly wrapping my head around the fact that only I can be responsible for my happiness the closer I get to happy. The more I realize and accept that I cannot be responsible for my partner's happiness the closer I get again to happy. No amount of housework, or flowers, or childcare, or lawn mowing or trash taking out will make it better. Well maybe a little ;)

These strong hands....

These strong hands are not feminine or pretty. They are plump and scarred. Short fingers and nails. I look at these hands, the hands that have held my babies, the hands that have zipped their coats and stroked their hair. The hands that have made promises that everything will be ok.

This week I had an Ortho consult for carpel tunnel surgery. I've been dealing with this since I was 17 years old. I'm done.

My hands are frequently numb. Then at night, numb to the point of being painful. My hands prevent me from doing so many things that give me joy. I can no longer knit, I cannot even fathom learning a musical instrument.

So in February I will have a nerve study done! I am so excited to have someone take this condition seriously. Directly after that appointment we will try a steroid injection into my wrists to see if they get better. Then we can talk more seriously about surgery. Since the injections sometimes clear it up all together, they want to start there.

I am gleefully happy that I may have relief soon....and dying to finally learn how to play my guitar.

1.15.2011

Hello OUT there....~there, there, there, there~

Here it is folks....unadulterated unfiltered April.

Enjoy.