To feel always at odds with oneself? I feel like I am constantly struggling to feel close to content. And I just want that feeling so bad I feel like I would do anything to have it.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to keep reaching, striving for better and more. It seems it's just an exercise in futility. I want that "Life is good" status on Facebook. I want to be able to feel that emotion so greatly that I have to post it for everyone to see.
I guess I just keep trying. I just want to fix it. I'm a fixer. I make things ok.
So why can't I just do that already for myself? Maybe I'm just not supposed to?
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
My Theraputic Approach to Weight Control
I flew to Las Vegas in March of this year for my first Passion Parties Convention.
Each plane I flew on I required a lap belt extension to reach the clasp. Embarrassing, yes - but because I am cool, I played it off like I didn't care. It was just a fact. I am too fat to be able to affix the standard belt. But it cut me deep, I do NOT want to be like this. I want to look like the person I feel like. I feel hot, sexy and confident.
But more than that I don't want to DIE. I want to live a complete and active life. I have enjoyed being active even as an obese person (yep, I said it obese) - I have incredible stamina and love pushing myself to do things with my body that some of my skinny counterparts find difficult.
But with the last re-gain, re-fat or whatever you call it I have lost an immense amount of strength and stamina. I suck at doing stuff now. I did a 90 minute Bikram Yoga class in early December! However within 24 hours I injured (stepped off a stair wrong) my left ankle so badly I was in a walking cast and limping for weeks.
So there I was in Las Vegas and feeling like a gigantic monster of fat. The women in this business are for the most part quite lovely. Many are drop dead gorgeous and thin. It is not a prerequisite obviously, but a stunning observation I had while at Convention.
When I came back from Convention I had carpel tunnel surgery and spent time thinking about why I want to lose weight. Why is it so hard to keep on a plan, or to even get started for that matter.
I reached out to a dear friend in the psychology community to help me find someone who deals with patients with eating disorders. She quickly found me a name. I have been having personal sessions with her for a couple of months. She focuses on Congnitive Behavioral Therapy. She and a dietician run a Weight Control Therapy Group that meets weekly for 18 weeks. I signed up with my wallet ready to dole out the $830.
Stay tuned, even this old Weight Watcher is learning a few new things ..... ♥
Each plane I flew on I required a lap belt extension to reach the clasp. Embarrassing, yes - but because I am cool, I played it off like I didn't care. It was just a fact. I am too fat to be able to affix the standard belt. But it cut me deep, I do NOT want to be like this. I want to look like the person I feel like. I feel hot, sexy and confident.
But more than that I don't want to DIE. I want to live a complete and active life. I have enjoyed being active even as an obese person (yep, I said it obese) - I have incredible stamina and love pushing myself to do things with my body that some of my skinny counterparts find difficult.
But with the last re-gain, re-fat or whatever you call it I have lost an immense amount of strength and stamina. I suck at doing stuff now. I did a 90 minute Bikram Yoga class in early December! However within 24 hours I injured (stepped off a stair wrong) my left ankle so badly I was in a walking cast and limping for weeks.
So there I was in Las Vegas and feeling like a gigantic monster of fat. The women in this business are for the most part quite lovely. Many are drop dead gorgeous and thin. It is not a prerequisite obviously, but a stunning observation I had while at Convention.
When I came back from Convention I had carpel tunnel surgery and spent time thinking about why I want to lose weight. Why is it so hard to keep on a plan, or to even get started for that matter.
I reached out to a dear friend in the psychology community to help me find someone who deals with patients with eating disorders. She quickly found me a name. I have been having personal sessions with her for a couple of months. She focuses on Congnitive Behavioral Therapy. She and a dietician run a Weight Control Therapy Group that meets weekly for 18 weeks. I signed up with my wallet ready to dole out the $830.
Stay tuned, even this old Weight Watcher is learning a few new things ..... ♥
Sunday, January 30, 2011
What I hate about decisions...
is that while they can seem soooo final, you breathe wrong on one and the idea that seemed so solid evaporates into thin air.
Last night I did a Passion Party for a group of mostly nurses. They were incredible, as most nurses I meet are. I have a strong pull towards nursing and a strength for taking care of people.
We talked at length about my choice to go into Cosmetology and they were really honest with me about why they think I should reconsider that choice.
So, I guess I owe it to myself to find out more about what exactly it is I would need to do to get my RN.
I have quite a bit of schooling already completed. But the details freak me out. The whole "getting started" process makes me fill up with such anxiety.
Tomorrow I will call UVM and make an appointment to meet with a Continuing Ed Advisor. I need to know the details that scare me. Then it won't be (hopefully) so horrible to think about.
Last night I did a Passion Party for a group of mostly nurses. They were incredible, as most nurses I meet are. I have a strong pull towards nursing and a strength for taking care of people.
We talked at length about my choice to go into Cosmetology and they were really honest with me about why they think I should reconsider that choice.
So, I guess I owe it to myself to find out more about what exactly it is I would need to do to get my RN.
I have quite a bit of schooling already completed. But the details freak me out. The whole "getting started" process makes me fill up with such anxiety.
Tomorrow I will call UVM and make an appointment to meet with a Continuing Ed Advisor. I need to know the details that scare me. Then it won't be (hopefully) so horrible to think about.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Plans for 2011
The skeleton seems to be forming and I'm filling in the blanks. Meaning...I know what the main objectives are, now I need to work on finalizing details and developing action items.
The "Skeleton" is basically the concept of me quitting my current pt/time - 3/4 time job as a Personal Assistant and going back to school for Cosmetology. It feels a little scary and a lot exciting!
But when you have two school aged children there are no "just jump into it"s you have to plan things out - after school care, summer care, dinner, which adult will be home which night...blah, blah, blah into infinity.
I'm getting there...have lots to do still though. The BIG one is telling my boss. I am utterly terrified. In a lot of ways I really do not want to leave. But I KNOW I must in order to keep growing. I feel strongly that I need to become a more major income earner in our family. And that just can't happen doing what I'm doing now. I also need to feed my creative self and allow my self to be absorbed by something that makes me happy. What doesn't make me happy is serving someone elses needs constantly.
I have other goals too. My weight is higher than ever, and I'm extremely frustrated by it. I am constantly exhausted, like to the point of hardly being able to get out of bed. I am sore and annoyed with myself. I used to be so active even though I've always been heavy. I haven't had the time or will to do things to make my body happier in a while. So I'm giving things a lot of thought and trying to be more mindful. I really don't have a plan for this so for now I'm just trying to think it out.
So all in all I'm optimistic and hopeful just busy making plans...at least I do THAT well :)
The "Skeleton" is basically the concept of me quitting my current pt/time - 3/4 time job as a Personal Assistant and going back to school for Cosmetology. It feels a little scary and a lot exciting!
But when you have two school aged children there are no "just jump into it"s you have to plan things out - after school care, summer care, dinner, which adult will be home which night...blah, blah, blah into infinity.
I'm getting there...have lots to do still though. The BIG one is telling my boss. I am utterly terrified. In a lot of ways I really do not want to leave. But I KNOW I must in order to keep growing. I feel strongly that I need to become a more major income earner in our family. And that just can't happen doing what I'm doing now. I also need to feed my creative self and allow my self to be absorbed by something that makes me happy. What doesn't make me happy is serving someone elses needs constantly.
I have other goals too. My weight is higher than ever, and I'm extremely frustrated by it. I am constantly exhausted, like to the point of hardly being able to get out of bed. I am sore and annoyed with myself. I used to be so active even though I've always been heavy. I haven't had the time or will to do things to make my body happier in a while. So I'm giving things a lot of thought and trying to be more mindful. I really don't have a plan for this so for now I'm just trying to think it out.
So all in all I'm optimistic and hopeful just busy making plans...at least I do THAT well :)
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Names....
I'm fascinated by them.
I take images of the very first person I knew as that name with me everywhere. I make decisions (private ones) as to weather a certain name matches what I have stored in my brain.
And if I forget someones name it is more often than not more about me feeling like their name just doesn't go, rather than truly forgetting it.
Naming my kids was a trip. I was worried what certain names would convey to the world. Was it too cutesy to call a grown up McKenna or too bizarre to call a baby Charles? We ended up with names that I hoped wouldn't catch on and be too popular. I of course was the only April in my whole school (that I can remember) and though it took me YEARS to love my name like I do now I always appreciated being the only one.
I take images of the very first person I knew as that name with me everywhere. I make decisions (private ones) as to weather a certain name matches what I have stored in my brain.
And if I forget someones name it is more often than not more about me feeling like their name just doesn't go, rather than truly forgetting it.
Naming my kids was a trip. I was worried what certain names would convey to the world. Was it too cutesy to call a grown up McKenna or too bizarre to call a baby Charles? We ended up with names that I hoped wouldn't catch on and be too popular. I of course was the only April in my whole school (that I can remember) and though it took me YEARS to love my name like I do now I always appreciated being the only one.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
UGHHH.....
Know what's really annoying....Traffic Court.
The end.
I'll post what the stupid verdict is on my $99 expired inspection sticker, Warning
that miraculously turned into a Ticket.
Stupid stupid red tape.
The end.
I'll post what the stupid verdict is on my $99 expired inspection sticker, Warning
that miraculously turned into a Ticket.
Stupid stupid red tape.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Mending
A needle and thread is what I think of when I think of the word - mending.
But the word mend according to Dictonary.com means...
mend
–verb (used with object)
But the word mend according to Dictonary.com means...
mend
–verb (used with object)
1. to make (something broken, worn, torn, or otherwise damaged) whole, sound, or usable by repairing: to mend old clothes; to mend a broken toy.
2. to remove or correct defects or errors in.
3. to set right; make better; improve: to mend matters.
It's kind of amazing that when two people desire to "mend" a relationship that it can't simply happen by wanting it to. It takes hard work, and understanding, and meeting halfway or 90% of the way at times. It's rarely 50/50...but it should always be close to that in my humble opinion.
The WANT must be present however, because wishing for something to be better simply because it's what you SHOULD do is like treading water in pudding. Impossible.
The closer I get to really truly wrapping my head around the fact that only I can be responsible for my happiness the closer I get to happy. The more I realize and accept that I cannot be responsible for my partner's happiness the closer I get again to happy. No amount of housework, or flowers, or childcare, or lawn mowing or trash taking out will make it better. Well maybe a little ;)
It's kind of amazing that when two people desire to "mend" a relationship that it can't simply happen by wanting it to. It takes hard work, and understanding, and meeting halfway or 90% of the way at times. It's rarely 50/50...but it should always be close to that in my humble opinion.
The WANT must be present however, because wishing for something to be better simply because it's what you SHOULD do is like treading water in pudding. Impossible.
The closer I get to really truly wrapping my head around the fact that only I can be responsible for my happiness the closer I get to happy. The more I realize and accept that I cannot be responsible for my partner's happiness the closer I get again to happy. No amount of housework, or flowers, or childcare, or lawn mowing or trash taking out will make it better. Well maybe a little ;)
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